past month has been a cloud of negativity for me. including today. but there's been quite a few positives that have kept me afloat.

every monday, jowena and i have made a mini-tradition to go watch froi and jay at their intramurals games, then head over to buffalo wild wings for grub. i love me some desert heat dry rub wings! and fries with queso sauce! speaking of froi, i feel like i've been able to reconnect with my ading, like back in the olden days of bMod 07-08 -- days of which i miss a bit too much. got myself a new and powerful laptop so i can continue working with graphics (if i have work to do). and while i sadly missed out on all the November birthday bashes due to the sickening flu (which is still plaguing me to this day) i was able to celebrate maureen's birthday with gigz, jamie, bert, and jenise at disneyland today, and she is now an official passholder! add to that, being able to see all the christmas decorations on main street and the castle. watching the christmas parade. riding it's a small world holiday. then watching the awesome holiday fireworks. then experiencing the snowfall on main street. waiting for maureen to upload our group pic kinda in front of the castle sorta. ha.

some pics within the past month(s):

it's a small world holiday decor


sleeping beauty's castle decked out in snow


the ading and i at Ra's awesome happy hour


my awesome halloween costume. which, mind you, cost me NOTHING!


my sister and i messing around with my webcam. fun times.

for me to have any kind of self worth, i have to feel relevant. i have the need to feel needed.

that feeling of relevance has been dwindling and for some reason it's all coming down to an all-time low.

with maxt out overwith, i feel like i'm not gonna be designing anything for a while, which means no source of income. the friends that i used to see all the time, i can't anymore.. because of all the time i let bMod take away from them. speaking of which, my departure from bMod has been weirdly easy. like i'm being pushed away and a wall was put up. it's as if my only purpose was to help start the team and take it to a point where it could finally run itself. and now that it's there, i'm simply not needed anymore.

add to that: having a slap-in-the-face job interview last week. being very disrespected just a few days after by someone who barely knows me. then becoming feverishly ill and home alone for the next two days after that. and you can never forget the ignored text messages that just add the icing to the cake. it's all very depreciating.

i apologize in advance if i may seem a bit too eager or desperate to hang out and chill. it's because the tables have turned. it appears as though i've fallen off the radar. i no longer have the need to be needed. now, i just need people more than ever.

today I was picking up a print order. I had to take a toll road. I figure as long as I exit before the tollbooth, I was in the clear. so I drove as far as I could before a tollbooth looked like it was coming up. and to my surprise, my actual exit had come up before I reached any tollbooths! little did I know the toll had to be paid when you exit. FAIL ON ME.

signs said it was only a dollar to exit. so I pulled up to the booth with a dollar in hand. there was no one at the booth and the machine only took coins. FAIL ON ME.

so I just sit there waiting for someone to pull up behind me. someone does, a guy with a very strong African accent. he was also mad that we had to pay the toll. I asked if he had change for my dollar. but it turns out he only has change for his own toll. now were both stuck because he can't go around my car to pay the toll. and I can't pull forward or else the camera would get a picture of my plate and fine me.

so we wait a little more. and then a lady pulls up behind him. I make my way over to her and she has a very strong English accent. I wanted to say "you sound like you're from landan!!" but instead I just asked if she could have change for my dollar. she ended up being very kind and just gave me four quarters and would not accept my dollar in exchange. I thanked her, paid my toll, and was on my merry way to pick up my order.

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losing my sense of......

Purpose.
It’s that little flame
That lights a fire
Under your ass.

Purpose.
It keeps you going strong
Like a car with a full
Tank of gas.

Everyone else has a purpose,
So what’s mine?

Post from mobile portal m.livejournal.com

it's definitely weird... not being on bMod anymore. something that engulfed my life and was literally my life for a good 4 years. everythings changed: i don't go to practices anymore, I visit them. from running practices, directing an entire team and training a new board to not even saying a single word at practice. it is definite culture shock.

while I am still sticking around to help out wherever it is needed, my slow parting is still a parting nonetheless. it's bittersweet. not having my phone blow up before every practice with more excuses of lateness. not having to be liable and responsible for an entire group's sometimes unacceptable behavior and actions. not having to deal with complaints, contradicting criticisms, the drama that I get dragged into, and that constant nagging in the back of my head thinking "is bMod ok?" "is everyone accounted for?" "am I doing the right things?"

of course it wasn't all bad. very little of it was bad actually -- it's just so much easier to list. but even though, the bad is still something I'm going to miss. I'm going to miss coming to practice and seeing all the faces of peoples lives I may have impacted and changed. I'm going to miss that feeling of purpose that I got the moment I saw the team.. that feeling of being needed... being relevant. i am in no way asking for credit or recognition. all I ask is that bMod strives to live and love, and cherishes the traditions that made it not only a team, but a genuine family to those who needed one. bMod helped me grow as a dancer, a leader, and a person. and because of everything I've learned from being on and directing the team, I am forever indebted.  

I'm proud as far as where the team stands now. if I wasn't, I wouldn't be leaving.  I'm confident in who's hands now hold and guide the team.

like I said, it's bittersweet. I never wanted it to stop, but I'm glad that it has. and I've come to accept that years from now.. heck, even just a few weeks from now when auditions roll around, the last founding members will become lost in bMod history. recognized? I'm sure of it. but remembered as we were when we left? I doubt it.. we will slowly and simply be names on a page.

Post from mobile portal m.livejournal.com

letting go of something pretty soon.

went through a bit of a road block / obstacle / rough patch a bit ago. but tonight, after thoughts, ideas, and issues were laid out on the table, voices were heard, and the air was cleared, i feel like i can safely say that even though we may not always agree, we're still on the same page.

and that is calming to my mind.

living by myself for the next 2 weeks.. that means i'm gonna be thinking a lot.. uh oh!

i had myself a very full weekend.. let's go backwards..

---

sunday. after lunch, it was a pretty uneventful day until i get a call from jaysarmie with an invite to watch the game at her place along with cesar andrew and shelly. i get there a little late, at the end of first quarter when lakers were losing, but once i sat down and started watching they started picking up with the lead that carried them throughout the rest of the game. it was a good win for the lakers, but i wish it had that edge-of-your-seat suspense like it did at game 4. chips, beer, limoncho, and churros kept us all company for the game. we all headed our separate ways shortly after. right when i get home, my mom's packing stuff in the car get ready to leave for my sister's place in chino hills. perfect timing. i tag along. we get to my sister's and check out her new couch that kobe loves to sleep on. watch happy feet in hd, have some pizza, then head home. a relaxing sunday!

saturday. come to think of it, i think i just bummed it out at home..


friday. my first murder mystery dinner experience! for jean and rommel's birthdays. it was held at the El Cid restaurant in Los Angeles / Silverlake. Rommel, Kyleen, and I were the first ones there out of our group, so we started mingling with the other dinner-goers. the first person we met was Mandy, some girl from Louisiana.. we then got to meet and talk to a bunch of interesting people. this is already when the murder-mystery started as we are meeting with fellow dinner-goers.. but we're not entirely sure if they are really just there for the dinner or if they're actors in the program. but it started getting pretty obvious since some of the people we were meeting were a bit more animated than the average person eating at a dinner. except for "Steve," who was an actor, but acted in a way that was so low-key that he could have been just another person like all of us. but he was extra creepy.. had that serial killer look/attitude and loved disneyland of all things. anyway, the security guard was the first to die, followed by our friend steve, then mandy was poisoned. the experience wasn't as interactive as we'd have liked, but it was still a great show to watch, not to mention hilarious. the magician/host was a crazy comic who learned just about everyone's names (there were almost 100 people there) and made jokes just about anyone in the room.


thursday. i made it a point to hang out with alex tonight. it was his last day at the dorms and was going back home to san diego for the summer. after a bunch of planning mishaps, we finally settled that alex, jowena, and myself would go to wingstop in rancho cucamonga. i know a bunch of bmod was planning to go to level3 that night, but c'mon this is my little brother we're talking about. there was a huge backorder on wings because of the game so we had to sit at a table and wait for 40 minutes before we could order. so we just sat and talked for a bit. i knew alex was supposed to stay for half of the summer for classes and to look for a house to live in for the rest of the year. but with summer quarter cancelled by calpoly, i asked him what his plans were for the fall regarding housing. he then had a very flushed look on his face. that's when it hit me. he wasn't coming back to calpoly. housing and tuition are taking a big hit on the wallet, and with the lower quantity of classes offered for the rest of the year, his parents decided it would be best for alex to finish up school back home in sd. hiding my sadness with the situation, i proceeded to force myself to enjoy the rest of the night. wouldn't want to have alex leave on a sad note. after dinner and about an hour in the parking lot, jowena and alex gave their last goodbyes. i then took alex to cvs to get him his favorite beer, Blue Moon, and get back to the dorms, get our drink on, and help pack the rest of his stuff in his car. we drank, watched daft punk's interstella, and finally packed his car like a tetris puzzle. it was time for him to leave for riverside before he headed back to sd. we bid our last goodbyes.. and i headed home. i've never done well with goodbyes. and this was worse considering it had literally come out of nowhere. was not ready for that goodbye at all. after rk and elise, alex is the third of those i've come to call a 'best friend' move to or back to san diego. gonna miss my lil bro.

---

even with this fairly full weekend, i've been getting this feeling of detachment. like i don't belong. or like i'm slowly drifting away. i think i know what it means..

i wrote my last words to bmod earlier today. but i was in a bad mood while i wrote them. hopefully it doesn't show. haha i'm sure it will, but hopefully it comes off as funny..? cuz it's similar to my humor.

is it me or does everyone AND their moms have a disneyland annual pass? i'm gonna have to get me one of those. but i have no money whatsoever. anyone feel generous and want to donate to my annual pass fund? yeah yeah? :D :D :D k fail...

i have a full day of errands tomorrow.. bah.

in a personal phunk.

so much stuff to take care of and wrap up in the next week. i'm sure after all is said and done i'll have some sense of accomplishment and self-worth, but some people just have an uncanny ability to make you feel worthless.

been holding it in.. but just to get it off my chest: after mother's day, several people posted on twitter that they were leaving they're families to go back home since it was a sunday night.. and how it's the worst feeling ever leaving that loving atmosphere.

got me thinking, that i don't feel that anymore. i felt complete jealousy when i read those postings. while i do love everyone in my family, and i do love being with them, that 'togetherness' feeling just isn't there anymore. well maybe it is, but it's so different now. i have one of those families who i always thought "only happened to other people." a broken family. and i don't mean to say that in a selfish i'm-better-than-you way, but in a way that i honestly thought my family would be perfect forever.

i've been selfless my entire life. especially in the last 5-10 years. i just kept giving. putting my life on hold for other people. give. give. give. and forces out there seem like all they can do is take from me.

is it time for me to change? maybe in order to get what i want in life, i have to start taking it for myself. maybe it's time to be selfish.

is that as bad as it sounds?

i was browsing through my really old photos, and found this picture i took back in 2006.. around when i first got my pentax. since then i've found that it was hard to catch the cla building on such a clear and blue-skied day. and when i did, i didn't have my camera with me.


Classrooms Laboratories and Administration Building

i had forgotten to greet all the mother's out there a Happy Mother's Day! i don't think i even did so on twitter! Mo'Day fail on me! so here's a Happy Belated Mother's Day to all the mothers out there!

Regarding the mother in my life: she's only THE BEST and we had a very relaxing Mother's Day. traditionally, we always took my mom out for brunch after mass or dinner in the evening. we decided to do it a little differently this year. after mass at st. paul the apostle (where nick rosales from bMod OMG! claims he saw me), instead of taking her out anywhere, we decided to keep her at my sister's while we cooked for her. on the menu: bacon+sausage+vegetable fritatta, biscuits, cookies, ice cream, and mimosas. bummed it out for the rest of the day. jamie and my mom went out for a walk on a trail somewhere while i kept kobe and solid snake company. headed home not too late so we wouldn't keep jamie up for work the next day.

most of the day i was semi-stressing out because i didn't know where my keys were. i blame it on the fact that i didn't have to use my keys at all for the past few days: getting picked up by alex, staying at his dorm, riding with jay after the performance on friday, and getting a ride home from carissa after the board meeting.. i paid almost no attention to my keys. and when i got home, my mom was outside watering the lawn so i didn't even need to look for them when i got home. it wasn't until Sunday when i realized i didn't have them. but i was sure they were at either of the following four locations: Alex's Car, Jay's Car, Carissa's Car, or Jackie's Apartment. but then throughout the course of the day, each of them informed me that they looked and it was nowhere to be found. i start to worry and even emailed the event coordinator for Friday's performance to inform me of any Lost & Found items were turned in. then about 5 minutes after sending the email, i look at the jacket i wore on Friday and my keys were buried in it. fail on me!

time is dwindling.. i want to, but i know i shouldn't. it has consumed me for years and i can't let it continue.

i haven't made any insightful posts in a while. every thing's been updates on what i've been doing on a day-to-day basis. my thoughts are currently pretty scrambled and once i get it all sorted it, i promise to have a more meaningful entry.

for those who remember my car getting broken into last month, i never went into detail about what happened to my radio.. it doesn't really work correctly anymore. none of the buttons do anything at all. it still plays CDs, but i cant change the track, or inc/decrease the volume, or switch to aux to listen to an iPod.. so i'm stuck with only listening to CDs the whole way through and blasting really loud.. it's pretty freakin lame.. but at least the new Rascal Flatts album "Unstoppable" was just released, gives me good reason to listen to a CD in its entirety.

today was the first time in a long time where i just literally stayed home for the entire day. i think the only time i went outside was when alex made a quick stop by before he headed down to san diego. i wont lie, it was nice to just bum it out rather than going out (although you know me, i'd much rather go out.. haha). but like always, when im by myself for an entire day, i think a lot. i asked myself why is it that i'm so addicted to being away from my house. and why is it that after practice i tend to stay as late as i possibly can, with no problem waiting for everyone to get their stuff together or having parking lot syndrome. and why i've grown to hate my drives home after practice.

it's because i'm leaving this group i've come to call my family.. and i'm on my way to a place where the sense of family has pretty much gone.. i feel more 'at home' when i'm with them at practice than when i'm actually at 'home.' bah..

anyways, tomorrow i have a full day ahead.. brunch at red robin for my dad's birthday.. then joe's sushi for dinner for jay's birthday.. then to jasmine's house in walnut for a jasmine/jessi/jay birthday bash celebration to end the night.

haha this picture looks fake...


hooookah.. flavor: chocolate strawberry.. it's ok...
rooted movement had a random no-occasion barbecue on wednesday. nice to chill with rm crew/21xl with some carne asada, polish sausage, hookah and beer.

bMod beach day is today.. soo... why am i not at the beach? i had to drop my mom off at the airport because she's taking a trip to San Francisco, which was around the time most people would be leaving to go to the beach. in turn, i made plans with some people to go late. so i shall be heading out there later on in the afternoon.

had random dreams that i actually remember for the past two nights. two nights ago, i had a dream that i had pink eye. but a really bad case. so bad that parts of my eyelid were deteriorating and peeling/falling off. pretty disgusting. then last night, i had a dream that i decided to park on south campus again for some odd reason, and after practice, my car was broken into again but this time, both my front and back passenger windows were broken. that's all. nothing too crazy..

so someone i know has a bruised sternum. ouch. but as he described this small injury, he ended it with "life is poopy." wow. if a bruised sternum is enough to constitute someone's life as poopy, then i must have a really sucky life.

so with my mom gone to norcal, i'm by myself at home this entire weekend.. anyone down to chill/drink/hookah/watch movies? we can watch Chocolat (or not..) or El Orfanato!! :D lemme know!

my world is in such an imbalance right now.

i feel like there's so much to look forward to, but at the same time, forces are just pulling me away. and i just keep fighting to keep it together, but that just leads me further down the path of self destruction.

almost every glimmer of hope that has popped up has been immediately been shot down with unfortunate circumstances.

...a person can only be spread so thin

it would be my luck that the economy comes crashing down right now. but i'm gonna keep fighting. and the number one thing that will get my motivation to soar is a job.

i've acquired every previous job through networking -- never through self/online application. so that i will continue.. even if it may seem like an act of desperation:

ANYONE looking for an I.T. business systems analyst, I.T. quality assurance specialist, PC helpdesk technician, technical support specialist, or web developer/designer? or anyone looking for a freelance/amateur photographer or graphic designer?

let me know!!

i had to be condescending tonight.

i didn't want to, and i feel bad. but it was a necessary action. and what makes it more difficult is that i had to be this way with one of my favorite people, someone i've come to know as one of my closest friends. a little brother, if you will. it was heart-wrenching to see how much he was beating himself up before i talked to him.. it's that whole "i'm yelling at you because i care about you" thing. but i just hope i wasn't seen as just.. yelling
* * *
anyways, i now have a new place to park when we practice at school: jay's house. i used to park on south campus... but... after alex dropped me off at my car on south campus after tuesday's practice, i noticed some people crowded around carissa's car.. so before even going in my car, i head to hers to see if they need any help. when i get there, i find that someone had broken into her car by breaking her front passenger window.

i'm not going to be much of any help with all my stuff, so i head back to my car to put it away. upon putting my bag and sweater in, i find broken glass everywhere. my car had been broken into as well.. BAHHHH.. items taken: GPS, GPS charger, iPod charger, and phone charger. my radio was also pried out enough to break it so that doesn't really work well anymore. a cop came to help us both out. a bit of a downer for st. patty's day right? even though i didn't feel like doing anything anymore because of what happened, i got myself to go to Buffalo Wild Wings to have some drinks with the team.. well, at least eric and jay. ended up having a great time and was a nice pick-me-up considering what happened.

some pictures of the damage.. pardon the quality, i didn't have my camera on me (which is good cuz i might have left it in the car..):






BAHHHHH.. i'm freaking out, because my GPS had my home address saved as the "Go Home" location.. i'm guessing all they want is money from it though.. and checking out the available addresses aren't very high on their priority lists.. but still.. bahh..

carissa and i both had our windows fixed at the same place the day after.. so at least that's out of the way..

here's to better days...

tell me why..

..this house, that used to hold four happy people, now only holds two miserable ones?
..money, which is almost taboo in any conversation, is being hidden from us?
..i find myself listening to songs about wanting to go home.. in my own house?

it's because this house is no longer a home..

only four days late.

but anyways, bmod's retreat was this past weekend. and it was the most amazing retreat i've ever been on. from the pure craziness. to the fun snowboarding (and de-virginizing of snowboarding), to the emotional intervention of pretty much everyone, to more pure craziness. it was just something i needed. to just get away for a bit. leaving the so-called life i have back here. leaving not only the dancing behind, but even the team aspect. up there we were a family. and that's all you could have called us. and we bonded. oh we freakin bonded.

i've found people i can trust with my life.

the snowboarding session was very chill. didn't do anything too out of my box. it was just a nice cruise ride for me. plus we had a first time snowboarder with us, alex. his first run was the typical first run everyone has. falling. butt hurts. frustration. the feeling that everyone's just waiting for you. so yeah, he didn't enjoy it too much. but a couple runs more, he was able to feather down the mountain and keep up with us. very proud of him! and now he's determined to get better. that's a lot more than i could say on my first time, i was ready to give up.. heh..


left to right: me, alex, anthony, bobert


alex, myself, and jowena brought our respective disney plushes

after we got back from retreat, jackie and i get the email we've both been anxious for and dreading for. the fusion 2009 lineup result. and some of you out there may be delighted to hear: we made the lineup!! so that was a very exciting morning for the both of us. she told me that it was also that same day that she would be receiving the call for the ultimate brawl 2009 results.. ackk.. so we waited. come a few hours later, i get a text from jackie telling me that she got the call: we made the lineup!! we pulled the team together at practice later that night and gave them the news. i knew they'd be happy, but i wasn't expecting them to get so loud and jumping off the walls. i love giving them great news. and news that they deserve. their passion drives me.

and here's to a very hectic and busy three months ahead. this weekend: v.ent dance awards. two weeks after: sportsfest halftime show. two weeks after: world of dance. two weeks after: fusion 09. two weeks after: PACN. two days after: ultimate brawl 09.

here we go!